A Guest In The House Of Bags

(Lights up. MIKE sits at his desk. He is sifting through old pictures. BOB enters from the wings and patiently waits. MIKE doesn't notice his guest for several seconds.)

BOB

What are you looking for?

MIKE
(Startled.)

Holy Crap, you scared me! (BOB doesn't respond.) I'm just looking through some childhood photos. I don't really know why. I didn't sleep all that good last night and I ended up going through my closet and I found a box of pictures. That's me. (Showing a picture to BOB.) Nine, maybe ten years old. That's my cousin Bridget. She's older than me, obviously. She used to baby-sit me.

BOB

She was quite the looker.

MIKE

Was is right. She doesn't look nearly as good these days.

BOB

No?

MIKE

She's barely recognizable. Developed a pension for fried foods and daytime television. It's a cliché I know, but it happens. I haven't talked to her in years. We lost touch. But we had some good times growing up. (Pause. The question still remains, it has plagued him for days.) How did you know I was married?

BOB

Lucky guess. Why do you keep it a secret?

MIKE

I don't. I told you I don't want to misplace the ring.

BOB

Things not going so well?

MIKE

No, things are going great. Things are good. We could be better off financially...

BOB

Who couldn't?

MIKE

Exactly, who couldn't? We'll get by. We always manage to get by.

BOB

Good for you.

MIKE

I just... I just wish I felt... more like an adult. When I got married I thought I'd feel more grown up, but I don't. I still feel like that awkward, bumbling kid who never could do anything right when things came down to the wire. I get so frustrated. So stressed out.

BOB

No wonder you have nightmares.

MIKE

I guess.

BOB

You never outgrow the child you were, that's a common misunderstanding. You just get better at assuming the role everyone expects of you.

MIKE

That's a cheery thought. Maybe you're right.

BOB

Maybe. Maybe I'm not. Maybe everyone else does feel like a mature adult. Maybe you're the only freak that doesn't feel like he's making a healthy contribution to society. Maybe your an aberration.

MIKE

Maybe I am? How did you know about the nightmares?

BOB

What?

MIKE

You said 'No wonder' I have nightmares. How did you know about that?

BOB

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

MIKE

You're just some bum; some local vagrant, hiding away in the stockroom.

BOB

I'm not the one who's hiding. Tell me about your nightmares. Tell me about Bridget and the elevator.

MIKE

The elevator. It's always comes back to that, doesn't it? I had forgotten all about it until the other night. I was ten years old, or around there, and my family was living in an apartment building. The elevator had a glass door. You couldn't see through it. It was frosted. Or cloudy. I guess it was popular back then. Anyway, one day I was riding in the elevator with Bridget and a dark, greasy shadow slid by the elevator door as we were going down. I saw it again on the way back up. I remember asking Bridget what it was. (WENDY steps in from the wings and is now, temporarily, Bridget.)

BRIDGET

It's Mrs. Parnell.

MIKE

The landlord's wife?

BRIDGET

That's right, Mikey. When was the last time you saw her? You haven't, have you? She fell into the elevator shaft and was squished. That's why we always tell you not to play near the elevator. It's dangerous.

MIKE

I didn't understand. I didn't know how old Mrs. Parnell had fallen into the elevator shaft.

BRIDGET

Maybe it was an accident. Maybe she jumped. Maybe she was pushed. Murdered.

MIKE
Murdered?

BRIDGET

Maybe Mr. Parnell offed her. We've all heard the way they scream and argue with each other. Maybe he snapped. That's bad news.

MIKE

Why?

BRIDGET

Because if she was murdered it means her soul can't rest in peace. She's a ghost now.

MIKE

She is?

BRIDGET

I'd bet my life on it. She's probably doomed to haunt this elevator for the rest of eternity.

MIKE

That's terrible.

BRIDGET

That's not even the worse part, Mikey. I'd be careful if I were you. There's nothing a ghost likes better than to find and gobble up naughty children.

MIKE

Ghosts don't eat children.

BRIDGET

Oh, yes they do! Small kids are a ghost's favorite treat. (BRIDGET stands next to MIKE; forgotten for the time being.)

MIKE

I still don't know why she said those things to me. I was ten years old. I was scared shitless. I never rode the elevator alone after that. I'd rather walk up eight floors than risk meeting Mrs. Parnell, again, face to face. A couple months later we moved out of that apartment building. I never had to look at that greasy, smear of Mrs. Parnell's remains again. Of course now I know it wasn't true at all, but back then...

BOB

You believed it.

MIKE

Every word. I used to have the most frightening nightmares.

BOB

You still do.

MIKE

Yes. (DEB comes in from the wings as a 'squished' Mrs. Parnell. Her body is flattened. )

MRS. PARNELL

Remember me, little boy?

MIKE

Mrs. Parnell?

MRS. PARNELL

That's right. You're the little brat from apartment 820.

MIKE

But you're not real. You died along time ago.

MRS. PARNELL

I was murdered! Now I'm doomed to wander these halls for all eternity, and gobble up naughty little children.

MIKE

But ghost don't eat children.

MRS. PARNELL

Shows what you know. We love to eat children!

BRIDGET

I told you so.

MRS. PARNELL

Where are your parents?

MIKE

I don't know.

MRS. PARNELL

What are you doing here? Why are you all alone?

MIKE

I'm not alone. I'm with my cousin.

BRIDGET
(Starts to exit.)

Sorry, you're on your own.

MIKE

What? Wait! You can't leave?

BRIDGET

I have to go. You'll be fine.

MIKE

No, I will not be fine. Mrs. Parnell is going to eat me!

BRIDGET

No, she's won't.

MIKE

Yes, she will.

MRS. PARNELL

Yes, I will.

BRIDGET

Sorry, buddy. I have to leave. Good luck. (She exits.)

MIKE

Wait! Bridget, wait! Don't go! Don't leave me alone! (Mike collapses to the floor as MRS. Parnell looms above him. Suddenly she disappears in a flash and MIKE is left alone on stage; in the stockroom of 'The House of Bags' again.) Bridget? Bob? Bob? Where did you go? What just happened? Was that real? It felt pretty real.

BOB

(From the shadows.)

It was real. It was a dream.

MIKE

Well, which is it?

BOB

Why can't it be both?

MIKE

Because it can't. It's one or the other.

BOB

Says who?

MIKE

This can't be happening.

BOB

But it is, Mikey. It is.

MIKE

Who are you?

BOB

Why do you ask questions you can answer for yourself? You yourself said I seemed familiar.

MIKE

I said you looked like Mark Twain.

BOB

That came later. First you had the feeling that we'd met before.

MIKE

Yes.

BOB

Do you like Mark Twain?

MIKE

I haven't really read him since high school.

BOB

That's not what I asked. Do you like Mark Twain?

MIKE

Not really, no.

BOB

Mind telling me why?

MIKE

I don't know why, I just never have. Even when I was a kid, I thought he was... creepy. Yes, that's it. He was creepy. He scared me. Tell me who you are. Please.

BOB

Tell me why he scared you and I'll tell you who I am.

MIKE

(Simultaneously.)

I don't know. I think I saw a picture of him somewhere, maybe on a book, in an encyclopedia, or a portrait, I can't recall. Now I know as classic authors go, he was probably one of the most normal. He wasn't a Williams. He wasn't Poe. I just remember looking into his eyes, into his crazy, desperate eyes and thinking to myself, "He looks like the Bogeyman." The Bogeyman!

BOB

(Simultaneously.)

You know who I am. You remember who I was. When you were little I was there. When things went bump in the night, who do you think that was? The laughter that you could hear coming from beneath your bed, that was mine. Two glowing eyes staring out from you open closet door as you trembled in bed too terrified to sleep... me. It was all me. Give the man a prize!
Years later we meet again!

MIKE

That's ridiculous.

BOB

Is it?

MIKE

I don't believe in that nonsense.

BOB

You did once.

MIKE

And then I grew up.

BOB

Yet, I still exist.

MIKE

This is crazy. This whole situation is crazy. I, I am obviously going crazy. You're a figment of my imagination. You expect me to believe all of this. That you're he, that... that you've come back, that you're real... No, I don't buy it, not for one second.

BOB

I don't have to prove anything. You know, deep down, that I'm telling the truth, whether you buy it or not.

MIKE

But why?

BOB

Don't ask me? I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here.

MIKE

I'm a grown man.

BOB

Exactly my point. This is embarrassing. I left you behind years ago.

MIKE

You left me behind? I outgrew you.

BOB

Obviously not. Here I am. So what are we going to do about this, Mikey?

MIKE

Don't ask me. You're the expert.

BOB

Oh, now I'm the expert. A few seconds ago you didn't believe in me. I was a figment of your imagination. You need to make up your mind. Do you believe in me or not?

MIKE

I guess I do. I mean I have to, you're standing right in front of me. The eyes don't lie.

BOB

Don't be so sure.

MIKE

Had to be the 'House of Bags', huh? I couldn't have taken a job at a youth center, a temp job, or some fast food dump?

BOB

It wouldn't have mattered where you went. You are the reason I'm here. Somehow, you did this... you are responsible.

MIKE

But I didn't do anything!

BOB

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's exactly right. That could be why I was able to come back. You're still the same person. You haven't done anything since I left.

MIKE

I've done stuff. I have. I grew up, graduated college, went out into the world and lived, decided to go to law school; criminal law, and got married.

BOB

(Mocking.)

Didn't take the BAR, chickened out and took a job here.

MIKE

I didn't chicken out! What's wrong with this job? I like it here.

BOB

Nothing's wrong with it. 'A zombie could do it', but hey, I'm no judge - and you are not a lawyer. Why is that?

MIKE

I don't know. I graduated with the top of my class; even did fairly well on the BAR. One day I just started to wonder what difference it all makes? The world, the way it is... one more well-intentioned lawyer isn't going to matter. Tell me if I'm wrong but I don't see the point. And if there isn't a point, why go through with it? Why set yourself up for such a monumental disappointment? After spending all that time pursuing, what I thought was, a noble cause the bottom fell out. There was nowhere to go. Do you know what I mean?

BOB

No. It sounds like a load of horse manure to me? 'Noble cause'? Did you really think that that's what you were doing; pursuing a 'noble cause'? Did you wake up everyday and say to yourself, "Well, time to go and pursue my noble cause."? What are you, Superman? Mikey; Defender of Truth, Justice, and the American Way! My hero!

MIKE

That's not what I meant.

BOB

No wonder you failed. Who could live up to all of that pressure?

MIKE

I didn't fail anything! I chose another path.

BOB

You ran off with your tail between your legs. This isn't a path, this is a diversion. This is a lame attempt to fool yourself into believing that you haven't given up; but you have.

MIKE

No, I haven't!

BOB

Wake up. This isn't you. You'll never be happy here. You'll never feel right about your decision.

MIKE

So what am I supposed to do? Forget all of my doubts, my fears and fight for what I feel is right?

BOB

Yes. That's why you went to law school. If you fail then you fail, but you've got to at least try. Argh, I'm wasting my time. I sound like an afterschool special. (BOB starts to exit.)

MIKE

Where are you going?

BOB

It would seem I'm going nowhere, fast.

MIKE

I guess we, at least, have that in common.

BOB

But you can change that. I shouldn't be here. I've got better things to do. You've got better things to do. You need to fix this. Oh, and about your wife?

MIKE

What about her?

BOB

If you love her - every now and then take your head out of your ass and let her know it. You're not in this alone.

MIKE

That's what she says.

BOB

But you never listen. Mark Twain once said, "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

MIKE

Great? I'd settle for just normal.

BOB

I'm counting on you.

MIKE

(Turning away.) You're counting on me. Everyone's counting on me. Who can I count on?
(BOB has disappeared. After a few moments. MIKE crosses to his desk. He picks up the phone but does not dial. He hangs up. Lights out. The end.)